Wednesday, 9 September 2009
An economic analysis of the chocolate industry, how the Scots lost their shoes, the problem with Space, and other such randomly placed theories.
Anyway, I'm currently sitting on a plane (not on top of it, you understand. But really, sometimes I feel I over think everything I write..) flying back from Cyprus, my country of origin - the homeland, where old men sit all day and women feed you. One day I think p'raps my Grandma, 74, might actually attach a drip onto every member of the immediate family. Quite ironic, considering she has an eye for noticing 0.0001 lb of weight gain, even if it is her culinary delights and force-feeding what did it.
Unfortunately, the colour of my skin suggests I've been somewhere with a much colder climate, like Iceland. Or Scotland. In a disappointing turn of events, I appear to have repelled the sun entirely this year. I am now so pale I'm transparent. Well, not really, but that would make for an awesome Biology lesson. Come to think of it, I might start selling the use of my sister to high schools around the country - she's anaemic.
Talking of Scotland, my nextdoor neighbour hails from that neck of the Northern woods. He's generally normal, although he says "hey ho" a lot and never wears shoes. While I'm sure he doesn't mean to suggest almost daily that I sleep around a lot, I do often wonder whether he knows about his lack of footwear. P'raps he thinks he's wearing shoes. Or maybe they just don't have shoes in Scotland. Saying that though, I met the lovely Glaswegian @ScruffyPanther recently and I do recall noticing that her feet were covered in shoes. Maybe she's been Anglicised.
On another quite random note, as appears to be the general style of this here blog, my younger sister has finally finished reading Harry Potter. She has that look of melancholy on her face, similar to that of a child's face on learning of the death of a beloved family pet, or like my face was the day I found out that Cadbury's had stopped making Wispa Gold*. The fools. The traditional bubbly chocolate of a Wispa with the added quality of a caramel layer? It was like they'd stolen the entirety of heaven and fit it all into a tiny gold wrapper. Incidentally, though slightly off-subject, Cadbury's conspired merely to spite me in my youth. The day they changed the price of a Chomp to 15p was the day I almost choked on my Curly-Wurly. Though, talking of confectionary let downs, I just found out that Werthers Originals are actually made in Germany, thus rendering the traditional English aspect of the adverts completely illegitimate and fake. The bastards. I might sue.
Anyway, I'd better stop here and make sure my sister doesn't kill herself.
I hope the money's worth it, Rowling.
*In a strange, slightly psychic turn of events, I returned to England to find that Cadbury's had started manufacturing Wipsa Golds once more. I might start thinking about Pretzel Flipz again. Any requests?
Thursday, 30 July 2009
tattoo your name on my retina in black ink,
Times New Roman, underlined, word art,
as a constant reminder of the spelling.
For you I would
slit my wrists with a blunt pencil, 6B
and throw the blood onto the wall
in the shape of the date we declared our love for each other.
For you I would
carve our names into the poisonous bark of the Laburnum tree
with the sharpened outer edges
of my very own spleen.
For you I would
remove my innards to the tune of Beethoven's 5th
and arrange them in your garden to form the words 'I love you'
for everyone to see.
But I would not die for you,
as that would be plain stupid,
and I'm slightly scared of death.
Monday, 20 July 2009
Although currently in the unfortunate state of being dead AND asleep, I am actually sat in Wolverhampton Central Library. This experience truly is one of the highlights of my life. Up there with the time when I translated the Bible into 2400 languages. Now THAT was an all-nighter and a half. But, I digress. After careful analysis, consisting mainly of watching the man sitting opposite me for a long time, I can deduce that 50% of the people that use libraries today took a wrong turning as they were strolling through the 70's and found 2009. It's like an anti-Goodnight Sweetheart, except probably more interesting and funnier. Long, greasy hair, large Deidre Rashid glasses, light blue jacket and beige kecks. This man is definitely not from this decade, and he's the only other person here. Well, in this room. Well, in this small, insignificant corner of the decent-sized central library. But still.
In a somewhat related flashback, I just remembered that my nan, 77, turned to me last week, probably during Corrie, and said "Elena, you know the 70's? It was a very beige era." Right on.
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
The Labour Party: Pregnant mothers unite in the current leading majority of government. However, they are now losing support swiftly due to excessive moaning, the fact that they are all eating us all out of house and home - an unfortunate side-effect during the current economic climate, and that they have been claiming money to get their birthing pools cleaned, apparently.
Their long-term aim is to throw all men into a torturing vortex of fiery doom by 2013, though they appear not to have thought this through properly as it may well lead to their demise. Plans to develop a method for immaculate conception were thrown out in a mass zealous strop by all members after finding that there was no chocolate available during the meeting. But then, they are known for their irrational tendencies.
The Conservatories: A party of generally un-aesthetically pleasing glass structures, usually added to the side of a property, the Conservatories are aiming to have left their mark in every household in Britain by 2015. Often accused of an unyielding disregard for the state of people's body temperature, they have been blamed for many a case of sun stroke. However, they fervently deny this, siting excellent garden views and extra storage facilities as just a couple of their pros. So as not to hamper their 2015 aim, those who cannot afford to build a conservatory or do not have the space for one will be mowed down by evil dogs in a ceremonious hunt, jollyfied only slightly by the sound of a trumpet. Yah, yah, yah.
The Lib Dames: A group of Liberace tribute acts, some say that the Lib Dames exclude most areas of society. Their party tagline 'Bling is Best' is considered an unachievable ideal by many during the current recession, although chavs beg to differ, claiming they can bejewel themselves for under a fiver and still have change for fags. Many worry that taxpayers money will be used to lavishly furnish the Houses of Parliament, although the Lib Dames insist that this is nothing new.
The Green Party: With a ridiculous passion for its namesake colour, the Green Party rejects anything that moves beyond it in the spectrum. Often accused of basing their party policies around obsession and, some say, consequent bipolar disorder, many of its members wake up hating themselves on account of being a sort-of skin colour. Currently trying to pass an act that states all trunks must be chopped from underneath trees, many think the Green Party are actually closer than we may think to worldwide domination thanks to Gucci earmarking green as the colour of the season. It's so in, dahling.
UKIP: A party representing the narcoleptics of society, UKIP fight for the right to make no distinction between day and night. Although many have tried to explain that this would seriously effect the economy, society as a whole, and those who enjoy dogging, nobody in the party managed to remain awake long enough to hear the pinnacle of the argument. A positive point of having narcoleptics in the Houses of Parliament, and one that is currently enriching the lives of most MP's and day time TV watchers respectively, is the speed at which proceedings occur during Prime Minister's question time in order to try and catch the UKIP members before they nod off.
RESPEC': Certainly a very modern form of Political Party, Respec' is made up of the chavs of society who brought their descriptive language traits with them, izzit. Currently baffling everybody in the Houses of Parliament, the teens often break into rap and break dancing to get their points across. That's if they actually turn up. Their aim is to rob from the rich and give to the ever increasing numbers of yooff what can't be arsed to work, innit, but instead spread their seed and watch their girlfriend's wombs grow. They are presently trying to pass an Act in parliament recognising procreation as a job. With a very decent income, incidentally.
The BNP (Banoffee Pie): Represented by a band of fascist, yet house-proud women, the BNP's aim is to send all foreigners home, because this is their land. Daddy told them so. Unwavering in their belief of British superiority mixed with an irrational hatred of most people they just can't understand, many of its members have use of only one brain cell that gets passed around the party. A firm favourite of the late Diana Mitford, they are currently looking to intersperse anti-asylum propaganda adverts with a cooking tip of the day. Should they come into power, those who cannot agree with their ideals will be publicly humiliated and sent to India to work for the Empire.
Lets all move to Monaco. They have a very pretty royal family.
Thursday, 4 June 2009
This splendid, “medium, black Americano please” (“do you want milk with that?”) drew me to consider something that was brought up on twitter recently – men & women. Friends. Double acts; they always seem to be of the same gender. Morecambe & Wise, Peter Cook & Dudley Moore, Fry & Laurie, French & Saunders, the two Ronnies; Ant and Dec might be the only exception to the rule. And even they both look like women. This thought got me wondering – why? Why, God, hasn’t Ant McPartlin taken a step towards the Antonia dream and had gender reassignment surgery?
Ant & Decla
It got me wondering why, bar perhaps Phil & Fern (both happily married to other folk) and Richard & Judy, (married to each other, perhaps not happily) is it that a man/woman team just doesn’t seem to work out well? Is it that, as a general rule, such double acts can only reach the dizzy heights of day time TV? Or that perhaps somewhere down the line feelings might develop, things might change, and suddenly we’d all be tuning into Phil and a heartbroken Fern? Phil and an “I might carve my heart out with a blunt ruler if I have to look into your eyes during a link once more” Fern? Can a woman and a man be just friends? What about if the desired deforms their face in an act of rebellious vengeance against the damn feelings of lust separating them from one of the people they care most about in the world, but platonically? Would the desiree not desire as much anymore, and be willing to rekindle their friendship? More importantly, was the nineties’ singer Des'ree named after a person what does lots of desiring? So many unanswerable questions, yet not one person willing to test out my self-deformation theory. Foo’s. All of you.
Talking of the effects of coffee on my brain cell, the psychic barista at Costa Coffee struck up conversation today! Tomorrow, we’ll be best friends.
But forgetting caffeine for a moment, and the dangers of the testosterone/oestrogen combination, the Sun was shining at the weekend! I went to a family birthday party on Sunday and the kids managed to persuade some of us adults to play a game of girls v boys football. Why I agreed I’ll never know – I’m the front man of fairness, the ambassador of candour. Five blokes, most of whom are established at a Sunday league standard of football is no equal match against a set of girls who can count on their pinky how many games of football they’ve ever played and still have a finger left spare. One girl was about 8, didn’t have shoes on, and spent her time playing with a hula hoop while taking up her position as “striker”, marked by my dad, 6ft 3in, who shattered many of his teeth in an overzealous attempt at goal in the early nineties. You might say he hit the post, but in person. The goalie, who was the birthday girl, was far too busy listening out for the signal to go and blow out her candles to pay any attention. The rest of us, incapable as we were anyway, had to deal with two rampant teens who seemed intent on brutally murdering anyone who dared to approach them when they had the ball, two little kiddies, 5 and 6 respectively, who would cry if we succeeded in an attempt to tackle them, and their father, whose only objective was to set up his sons to get multiple hat-tricks, in preparation for their position as Man United’s newest and youngest sibling act within the next few years, definitely.
I ended up taking the position of striker while the young girl of 7, who had decided to stop playing without informing anybody, sat on the grass contemplating life, or something equally as important to a 7 year old. My newfound position was almost purely to hold my dad back – probably not the most important aim for a striker traditionally, although eventually literal in meaning when I found my only option was to clasp my arms round his body and jump on his back.
Even after we had recruited an ex-professional footballer (yes, he was a man, but we were running out of options, and I was having far too much fun explaining that “Uncle’s a girl!”) we still lost by about seven goals to two. That’s if the game finished. I’m not sure – I went inside for a coffee 20 minutes in.
I think I’m addicted to caffeine.
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
Non-caffeine related aneurysms, when to get married, animal love, and other such disastrous situations.
But thank God for coffee I say, as the last week at work was busy, busy, busy, and at least it kept me alive during the darkest moments of office work. In a somewhat unusual twist of events, I've actually not had time to bombard the Twitterverse with my crazy thoughts. This has left me with severe headaches, and probably an inoperable aneurysm - nothing to do with OD-ing on caffeine. I always knew the internet, or lack thereof, would be the death of me. Incidentally, before I die, can somebody remake 'the OC' and call it 'the OD'; a programme about a group of teens who go about their daily lives constantly OD-ing on drugs. It would be far more interesting, and definitely something I'd tune into before my time is up. Thaaaaanks.
Anyway, I found out something highly interesting while partaking in the activity of 'working'. Turns out there's a hotel in Portugal that claim to know when you're ready to get married! You take a simple, two-stage test and Bob's your tranny Aunty, you'll know the answer. So that the romantics of us don't bombard said Portuguese Hotel's website (as I'm sure there is a serious risk of this happening) this is what it says:
"Found that special someone that makes you smile when you wake, that makes you feel warm inside when you think of them before you fall asleep? Then you've found the one you want to spend the rest of your life with."
I feel I should point out here that, as far as I'm aware, it's still illegal to marry animals, so don't bother popping the question to Pebbles the cat just yet. Perhaps browse the Political Parties' manifestos first, see if any of them have anything about animal/human relations. UKIP might surprise you.
On my way back from my daily dose of Costa (he's lovely) I came across a Lollipop Man helping some chavettes cross the road safely. 'Excellent,' you might think, 'right on!' 'Word up!' Good old Lollipop Men & Women, risking their lives daily by stepping out infront of cars so that children don't have to. Well, not anymore apparently. In what I might suggest is now the easiest job in the world, it appears that Lollipop People (quick, get Roger 'Mr. Men' Hargreaves on the blower from beyond the grave. I've got new characters.) have relinquished the life-threatening part of their job, and now spend their days merely pressing a button at a set of traffic lights, waiting for them to turn red, and then standing in the middle of a completely safe, car-free road, presumably to guide people like the piss-head chavettes across this tarmac of doom after their dinnertime bevys. 'Follow the fluorescent man, for he will guide you to safety when you are blind drunk.' Maybe that's what they teach in the Green Cross Code these days in schools. Now there's one animated hedgehog advert I would love to see. Or perhaps the Lollipop man was there to stop angry folk like me from burning some midday rubber and mowing them down.
In a completely irrelevant turn of events, I went for a walk yesterday and saw some grown men playing with man-sized, remote controlled aeroplanes, probably in a bid to revisit their youth and stay forever young. Freud might describe this phenomena as "never wanting to grow up, because they want to shag their mothers." Anyway, disregarding the fun and larks what come from these aeroplanes for a minute, I think they're the way forward; an insight into future travel. Forget EasyJet, their prices are attrocious. Just hop onto the back of one of these babies and remote-control yourself to the destination of your choice. I think I've persuaded a friend to buy me one, much like this "yo, buy me one of them there aeroplanes. Thanks." Try it, it might work.
I think I'll ring up the Green party and inform them that I've revolutionised public transport.
Disclaimer: I've never mowed a Chav down. I have mowed the lawn once, but dad wasn't best pleased with the final outcome.
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Celebrating the ageing process, hilly restaurants, how Road Runner nearly killed me, and other such depressing nonsense.
Dappy Dick. He's got a duck on his shoulder.
So, I went x-biking on Friday. As you may have gathered from previous posts, this has been the cause of many a death of mine, probably leaving you to draw but two possible conclusions (if you could be bothered to draw any conclusions at all). 1. That I am of the feline variety and my time is nearly up, or 2. that I am Jesus and I just keep rising. Flying in the face of what would have either been anthropomorphism or clear-cut blasphemy, I am neither. In fact, I am the prophet George Orwell. Prophets never die. Elvis is a prophet. So is your 140 year old Great Aunty who happens to be a millionaire.
Anyway, I regress. This time to 1640's Portugal. Some people revolted.
Back to X-biking; our instructor, Helen, is actually a sadist. She had a cold and was clearly suffering. Any normal person...no, let me rephrase...any person of the non-sadistic sort would have probably relaxed a bit in class. Taken a back seat. Driven the Ford 1903 Model A of life. Not our Helen. No, she was getting off on working herself harder, in a way much similar to this: "Ugh, come on everybody! WE CAN DO THIS! YEAHHHH. Pedal faster! FASTERRRR! *sniff sniff*" So I absolutely wasn't surprised that, when she clambered off her bike once we'd finished, she turned into a little lemon tree exuding a fragrant citrus smell.
No, of course not. She almost fell to the floor in exhaustion. Just that I figured the lemon tree might be far more interesting. Unless you know Helen, in which case - she's fine, don't worry! My Grandad assures me that lemon trees live to a ripe old age.
On Sunday I met up with some friends for one of those birthday things. The girl, who was borned on the 16th May, along with 75% of the population if my Facebook birthday reminders is anything to go by, turned 26, so there were plenty of "God, you're old!" jokes. I wonder what we'll say when she's old? "God, you're dead!"
Dinner went by sans hitch, although I ended up with a sort of yuk sum-juice moisturising hand cream as I'd used my wet napkin cleaning up my sweet chilli chin, and, ever the lazy bugger, I could not be arsed to climb the hill to the toilet to wash my hands. Yes, there was a hill. But it's all OK, I now know the secret to lovely soft hands.
One joyful event procuring from my inability to remember that, in order to get out of a restaurant alive, you actually have to pay them - or at least wash their dishes - was that I got to drive my friend Nic's brand new Golf GTI back from a cash machine (which didn't live up to its name anyway) after he'd lent me money to pay for the delights of eating at the restaurant with the hilly terrain, where one Chinese waitress was clearly stalking a particularly hungry member of our party under the pretext of making far too much small talk. Anyway, to put it bluntly, I think Nic's deformed. It took me at least half an hour of pressing and turning every single nob I could get my hands on (gross, I can't believe you just thought what you did then. You bad person.) in order to find myself sitting upright and facing the road. Nic has little stumpy legs, a long torso, and eyes on the ends of his fingers; I can't believe I didn't notice there was anything wrong before. He also drives like a maniac. It's like someone drugged Road Runner, presented him with a 1984 cc, six speed, 'blow on the accelerator and you're half way to Fiji' car and just said, "let rip. And remember, roundabouts are there to be driven over."
Thank God I'm George Orwell. I could have died twice over this week.
Thursday, 14 May 2009
A small blog on being bashed by a thought, how animals want to kill us, how, really, we should all call him Gordy and other such lunacies.
"Pah! What evidence do you have?" I hear you ask. Watson, just look to the past. First and foremost, what about that damn snake what lived in Eden and made naughty little Eve eat the apple back in the day, subsequently dictating that our entire lives were and are continuously being filled with heartbreak, woe, excruciating child-birth, and the unnecessary necessity to walk around with clothes on? Here we are blaming it on ourselves; original sin? Original terrorist! That bastard snake went on to spawn Adolf Hitler and Alan Quaeda, and other evil people who's names begin with A.
I could go on; the murdering rats who went round spreading the plague. The cows who tried to create a nation of mentally incapable humans by turning the 'mad cow' on us - though to no avail! (Although my mother is still wondering aimlessly around the streets of the UK wielding her crazy rants on innocent passers-by in an attempt to lure them to suicide.) Then, of course, the birds got involved with their own special version of flu. And now the pigs, being lazy and unimaginative buggers, have followed suit.
Tiernan Douieb unknowingly pushed me into considering the following intellectual thought: Some say that George Orwell correctly predicted the future in his book 1984. I say he did the same with Animal Farm. The man's a genius, and probably some kind of prophet. While you read this, little Simba is sat on his throne as head of the jungle planning the next terrorist attack on innocent victims of the human race, while our elected government are barking on about the sorry state of the economy and how they absolutely will say sorry for spending the money we don't have on getting their moats all sparkly and clean.
Get your priorities right, Gordy.
Disclaimer: My mother is not a mad cow. I love her very much.
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
The legend of Bob, boys and their pies, how I bathe in a shower of spit, and other extraordinary tales.
But lets forget, for a moment, that the Bob 'suffix' sounds plain silly. Let's put aside and accept the idea that mummy wanted to give little Jimmy two first names. After all, it's not really a rarity; that Sarah-Jane Twat off Corrie has a similar double-barreled first name. No, let's place those thought's firmly in our past and, instead, consider the cruelty exercised by those parents who call their son Tracy.
Talking of sons, I went to the football on Saturday - West Brom v Wigan. Now is the time to express your surprise that I am indeed a footie fan (WBA). Yes, I have a season ticket. Yes, I know the offside rule. Yes, I am a girl. At least that's what mummy's always told me. But it's not all bad, being amongst probably 80% of a stadium's worth of smelly, foul-mouthed men, with steak and kidney pie spewing down their football t-shirts. Talking of which, one of my fellow fans asked me whether I'd been corrupted by all the swearing. In my head I replied with "I don't know what you mean...I taught you all!" What I actually said was more like "Bla bla, ya de ya, stammer stammer stammer, cough cough." Ah my excellent brain to mouth connection, working so well yet again.
Anyway, it was an unusual day, not least because we were apparently playing a group of Greek ladies exhibiting their plummage *see picture*, or that we won. I had my hair up in a ponytail, and the man who stands behind me, screaming into my ear hole (one day I shall demand to see CCTV footage to prove that this is the case), and who likes to shower me with a fortnightly floury of his spit (if you could swallow the excess once in a while mate, you'd be doing a great public service) decided it would be OK to flick my hair! Is this acceptable behaviour? Is it perfectly fine that a man who I don't really know, but have plenty of his DNA on my person at least twice a month, should feel the need to mess with my hair? What, if anything, is seen as socially acceptable groping? I must admit, dear friends, I had a very 'Carrie Bradshaw off SATC' moment of ponder. The 'this made me wonder' one. (Unfortunately, my daily thought doesn't come with an NYC apartment and all the Christian Louboutin's a girl could bathe in.) I decided that, quite frankly, it was bloody annoying. But then we scored soon after and the World was put to rights once more. Bastard.
I've just found out that the Walton's named one of their sons 'Zebulon'. I now have a new found respect for Mr. Walton and his lightbulb.
West Brom playing a team of Greek girls, fluorescents on show.
Thursday, 7 May 2009
What happened when I engaged my brain matter, how the Greeks use their plummage, how horses have babies and other such disasters.
Personally, I sniff a bit too much. And sometimes when I cough I have to count myself in. Wikipedia informed me it's a mild form of Tourettes. And there was you thinking that it's merely swearing far too loudly at inappropriate moments! Pah! Come bathe your brain in my font of wisdom and knowledge.
Where was I going with this? OH YES. Mayday. Greeks. Spending Mayday Bank Holiday with the Greeks is much like visiting a Cash & Carry of prospective partners. No, wait. I'm wrong. It's like visiting a local Co-op of prospective parents-in-laws. Cash & Carry gives the impression that there is much to 'choose' from. The men spend the day playing football and eating. The women spend the day presumably looking at the men. And I spent my day eating, and jotting down hilarious anecdotes about women in huge, orange earrings and ridiculously tight, brightly coloured tracksuits and wondering if, perhaps, this was some kind of mating call, much like the attraction plumage employed by such birds as the peacock. According to Wikipedia (they will never know how many degrees they helped to pass,) during mating season, a peacock “will often emit a very loud high pitched cry.” There was a lot of this going on as well. I’m starting to ponder the thought that perhaps we Greeks aren’t human but, in fact, of the bird kind. After all, as was pointed out on twitter, there must be a reason why I quite like goji berries, actually, and what? I might suggest to some of the ladies, though, that they would do well to adopt the peacock’s choice of colour scheme, if only to make things easier on the eyes. I was almost blinded by fluorescents.
Another big event occurred in my life yesterday, aside from thinking. I bought Grazia magazine so it could tell me about the best pretty dresses under £50, and something highly disinteresting about Horseface Jessica Parker having twins via a surrogate mother. This information turned out to be utter balls – the dresses, not the surrogacy. Some woman, desperate to become a ‘writer’, got whatever job she could at Grazia by feigning an expertise in fashion and the ability to actually care about it. She had very clearly just google-imaged ‘dresses’. Then it was a quick copy and paste job and off she went to let her hair down and her skirt up in South Ken.
As for HJP, I don’t know what’s going on; I didn’t read it. Now, where’s that Orange magazine….
Friday, 1 May 2009
Why Jake Gyllenhaal is linked to Swine Flu, how Orange are planning to kill us all, The Hulk, and other such extremities.
Today I was reading the Orange magazine sent to me by Orange to sell Orange to me. To conclude, it's quite boring. But faaaar better quality than, say, Closer. Or Now. Or Heat. It had Simon Pegg in it, for one. Just his face, in all honesty, but even that is better than having to stare at Jordan's ugly mutt for at LEAST 15 pages. One page, nearer to the end of said Orange magazine, was dedicated to suggesting fun things you could do, being one of the lucky, lucky Orange customers. "Why not take part in "Buff or Rough"? Just upload your photo and people can vote if you're buff...or rough!" Oh, OK then Orange. I shall do that IMMEDIATELY. I've always wanted some Chav or other to judge my face! I've always wanted someone to use the words "buff" or "rough" to describe me. What an excellent service you offer Orange. This sounds like SO MUCH FUN! Especially, like, if someone with quite low self esteem uses it to try and feel good about themselves, uploads their 'best' photo, only to find that Dave/Davette from Liverpool has called them rough. And ESPECIALLY when they then slit their wrists and DIE, all because of you ORANGE. Well done ORANGE.
They're clearly conspiring to indirectly commit mass murder. Bastards.
If I could find a better contract I might have moved, purely because Orange are clearly complete twats who don't deserve customers. Just damn them for having thought up and monopolised Orange Wednesdays. Damn them for all eternity.
OK, rant over. I've got far more important things to talk about than some dumbass phone company. Like how a big, mahoosive, muscley black man got on the bike next to me during X-biking on Wednesday. I saw him, and considered explaining to the instructor that we might need to rearrange the room so that he had somewhere to go when he ACTUALLY STARTED MOVING FORWARDS on the firmly floored bike. But instead I remained on my bike, quietly shitting my pants at the idea of having to work out next to The Hulk. Apparently, though, I had nothing to worry about. He was disappointingly NORMAL at it. Part of me couldn't wait for the moment when he'd set off and fly straight into the mirror in front of us. Damn him for not impaling himself on glass.
I'm damning a lot of people today. Please be assured that I have no real authority on who gets damned or not.
Wednesday, 29 April 2009
Why cars and arses are linked, the toils of travel, why I got farted on, and other such excremental rubbish.
Naturally I wouldn't let mum borrow my laptop unless she came to collect it personally. As if I was going to get up and walk to her room! She has yet to drop by and collect it.
Talking of getting off your arse, my cousin keeps going on about wanting to go to Africa and help the needy. Fair play to her - we'll probably all die from swine flu while she's gone, so essentially she'll be saving herself. I suppose not even swine flu could survive some of the awful diseases running rampant in the third world, so she's safe. Unless she contracts Malaria or Cholera or something equally horrific and as such, ironic. Yet, a bit nostalgic too. "You're a sodding psychopath," I hear you say. Well, I might be, but don't tell me you don't get the impression sometimes that life was better in the past, when people used to shit in the streets, and there was a new disease in vogue every other day. Even if you could die of the plague, have your leg chopped of sans anaesthetic, and, perhaps a little later in the timeline, run into Hitler casually slaughtering millions. (I'm really following a pattern with these here blogs. All I've got to do is mention 'sadist' against and I'm laughing.) Sadist.
Anyway, yes, travel. I wouldn't say I haven't travelled much per se. Instead, I might say: 'I haven't travelled'. Unless you constitute returning to Cyprus almost every summer, going to Ireland, Scotland, Germany on a school trip, and driving through France and Belgium to get to said Germany as extensive travelling. Ooh, mustn't forget Wales. I've been there and all. But I've spent my time doing other things so HA! Flutter thee away like an annoying moth before you suicidally run into a light bulb and DIE. For instance, every so often I like to go on road trips in my car. And there was that time when I was upholstered onto an 8 piece, dining room, chair set for a year. Although, to be frank, it was quite lonely and I got farted on far too much. People just don't have table manners any more.
Things aren't what they were...
Monday, 27 April 2009
So, I went to a hen night last night. Complaint 1: Why hen? Why do men get to say "I'm going to a STAAAG do, GRRRR, RARRRR, I am strooooong," while we women compare ourselves to the lowly hen? A breeding machine who can't even fly. It's like we're willfully stamping on years of feminism while hypocritically burning our bras. (Although, bras are so important. How silly to burn them. The feminists of the 70's must be ruing the day they agreed to attend a bra burning bonfire, while walking & simultaneously kicking their boobs out of the way.)
Complaint 2: Why do I want to drink through a straw with a tiny willy stuck on the end of it? Quite frankly, I don't. Unless I have yet to think of the reason why I would. Hen nights are far too phallus-based. Enough, I say! Let's base them on something sexy, like arms. However, BHS's willy sweets were Goddam tasty. Prize for the parent who sends their kiddie to school with a box of willy sweets in their packed lunch.
Goodness me, what am I watching? Something with Andie McDowell and Gerard Depardieu. I might stand on a plug. It would be far more entertaining.
Saturday, 25 April 2009
Anyway. BAM: traffic jam on the M5, apparently caused by a small, piddly accident that didn't hurt anybody anyway. And WHY, you might ask, was there traffic when all had been cleared? Well, let me tell you. We, the British public, pretend to keep ourselves to ourselves, stiff upper lip, emotionless (feel free to add in your own plethora of such pejorative characteristics.) But it's all a load of bollocks. As soon as someone has even the tiniest bump on our roads we all instinctively slow down to LESS than snails pace just to have a right royal nosy at what's going on. We must all admit that part of us is desperate to see something awful. Something disgusting. Something that makes the whole family gather round, arms on your shoulder when you get home, "what's happened, are you ok?" "No, I'm NOT OK! I drove past a crash today and saw this guy impaled on an unfortunate and particularly sharp and knife-shaped, concrete slab that had just happened to break off the edge of the motorway bridge, SUCH was the force of the collision. Blood everywhere. I definitely need a lot of *chocolate* *alcohol* *insert own item of weakness*" We're all sadists really.
I got to work in the end, already slightly angry at still being late, despite making the effort to leave earlier. My boss asked me a question and I saw it as an excellent way to release the pent up anger. Had a tiny tiff, started work, did lots of tweeting and counted down the milliseconds till lunch...
I walked through Debenhams on the way to my usual Boots luncheon, past the over-priced 'designer' wear, the jewellery, and the make up lady, whose face, plastered in foundation, has single handedly deterred me from ever buying anything from her, and got to the perfumes. Yesterday, a woman who shall not be named - because I do not know her name - sprayed me with a lovely perfume and told me it was on special offer, "BUT ONLY FOR TODAY!" I was broke yesterday (I've now been paid, leaving my financial situation looking deceptively better) so I had to just walk on, mourning the loss of the fame and fortune I could have had, had I bought the amazing smell in a bottle. But, what was this I saw? The blady LYING COW was there again, AND SO WAS THE OFFER! She had ruddy well lied to my face! Much like the time when Hitler told me that the gas-releasing implements in the chambers I was building back in the early 40's were going to release a mild form of LSD to enhance the underground German party scene. Bastards, both of them. I didn't buy it, just to make a point. I shall now blame her for everything that goes wrong in my life from now on. So there.
Blimey, I've written lots tonight. Perhaps because I subconsciously know that I won't be on the Internet much this weekend, due to having a jam-packed weekend, bitch. Tomorrow lunchtime I'm heading to Rubgy to meet some friends and eat some food. Then tomorrow night I'll be in Nuneaton for a hen night, where I will eat some food. And then on Sunday I'm going out for my Grandad's birthday (happy birthday Gramps!) to eat some food. Essentially, I'll be eating a lot. But it's OK, 'cause I died X-biking earlier. Ghosts can't put weight on. Bahahaaa.
Friday, 24 April 2009
But Elle, you might say, for why are you writing in such a negative manner at 17:27pm? Surely you can now depart for home in anticipation of a sofa, a cup 'a chai and some probably awful but nonetheless mind-numbing (this can be a positive sometimes, so I'm using it as such here) telly.
NO! I must reply. YOU ARE WRONG! GO AND SIT IN THE NAUGHTY CORNER, A'TOP THE NAUGHTY STOOL. (Yes. Stool. That's right, there's a poo in the corner. And you gotta sit on it.) For, good people, I went and booked a Bollywood Aerobics class for tonight. Chuckle if you will at the idea of me bobbing up and down to some Bangra, but don't come running to me when you die of heart disease and obesity before you hit retirement. WORD. I shall be tripping at the sight of my fast moving knitting needles while the worms 'neath us devour you and spiders hide 'twixt your ribcage.
Last night I went x-biking, and I considered POKING MY EYES OUT in a sadistic way to ease the pain of bike riding at high resistances, much like Van Gogh (who often rode a bike in this way). But I felt for my fellow x-bikers; I might have put them off their exercise. So instead I swore under my breath, while figuring out if I could attend Friday's class. I think this is what S&M must feel like. Painful, but slightly addictive.
God I'm grumpy.